Ah! happy they whose hearts can break and peace of pardon win! How else may man make straight his plan and cleanse his soul from Sin? How else but through a broken heart May Lord Christ enter in? – Oscar Wilde – The Ballad of Reading Gaol
when you went to the cross did you exclude my name and sins?
are you sitting there disappointed at me again or proud at least this time I prayed?.
Sometimes when my sins seem to many to forgive, I ask God questions like the above. I was raised in a christian family with God and Jesus in my everyday vocabulary. I knew the rules of religion since young. I lost and gained faith in waves and believed and unbelieved like wrapping and unwrapping a gift. I am in my thirties wondering what it is for faith to endure. How to live in a hope for the things not yet seen. I have never asked does He exist though, in years gone by deep in the wrestle, I have asked was He good. I have tried to exchange He’s name for the universe and said we all meet Him in our own way. I have met Him though. In a well at high noon where I wanted to be anywhere but at church or in conversation with Him. Jesus tracked me down again many years ago and I saw His beauty and knew that even it took all my life, I would try and be at His feet. Then I lived life and the temptations seemed better. I heard the voice of a serpent say did God really say and I pushed the boundaries of obedience which means I just disobeyed. Further and further I walked into my wants and away from my need. At thirty something on a Sunday evening, I watch the sun set and type this words. I open my laptop to order the thoughts that have been there for months.
See I hear people and His Word say have a faith that endures and I wonder what that means. I know what it is to be filled with the excitement of a good service at church or the hope that comes when a prophet seems to speak a timely word. But I am not in search of a faith built on the words of man or the emotions that come when you sing your favourite worship songs. These are not in themselves bad things, but make bad idols in substitute of Him and truly encountering Him. I use a lot of words and make a lot excuses, but simply, I want to know what Martha knew that made Him say she had chosen the right thing. I want a faith in Him that heals and sets free.
In between the pages of the New Testament in Luke, there are to me some of the most terrifying words in the Bible. Context softens the blow, but the question remains “when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”. The first time I read these words, it silenced me. I hear God ask, though my faith feels like it’s blown and tossed by the winds some mornings, will I be found with faith. The context of these words is of the wicked judge and the persistent widow. Her faith brings her back to his door pleading for justice. By the measure of your faith, it will be done to you He said to the blind man. According to my faith what would change? So I sit in these questions asking where is faith found.
“I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away.” – C.S Lewis – Till We Have Faces
So months pass and I return to the question. How do you keep your faith burning so you are not found unready? Out of shear frustration at not knowing how to make this stick, I turn to a man who exemplifies a faith that endures. I read about Noah and how he received a word and (maybe) 100 years passed before it came to pass. Yet he built without wavering. Accidentally when this question weighs on my heart, I read the words said to Moses “they have been quick to turn away from what I commanded them” (Exodus 32:8) and wondered what quick is in the eyes of God. 40 days and 40 nights. Noah with a faith that stands a c100 years and the Israelites, a foundation that fails within a matter of days. I want the faith of Noah, but most days I am the Israelites carving my own golden calf believing God is taking too long. I know that these are old schemes from the devil. Make the children doubt the Father’s voice and easier it becomes to lead them away. I know he prowls to attack and succumb I do. So sometimes when my sins seems too many to forgive, I write words wondering how His love covers the multitude of my sins. I forget that though I am lost, He does not abandon me. Though I faithless, He remains steadfast and faithful. His love is reckless enough to have claimed me before I was. All this is to say dear reader, my faith falters. Not because of great storms or trials if i’m honest. I am undone by the everyday. My faith is dimmed after a tough day in the office, when the thing I hoped for takes a while or when emotions get the better of me. My faith is undone by the little and lost in the mundane.
Dear reader, if you ever find you have lost your way and your faith burns dimmer, some words of advice. Turn off the sermons and podcasts. Close the other books and commentaries. Take His Word and only that. His Word is Him and he says if you seek you will find Him. He says none can snatch you from Him and as His sheep you know His voice and follow it. When the serpent lies, cling to the only name that has authority over all. When you feel like giving up, call upon the final and ultimate sacrifice.
THE WEEK THAT WAS:
Words of note –
My reading has gone abit wayside recently, so I cannot share anything worth noting. In lieu of this, dear reader, take a browse of my archive and read (or re-read) some of the old posts.
Thankful for –
- A birthday spent at grandmas
- Flowers
after the wilderness 