Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. – James A. Baldwin
I have re-written this post a lot of times during the existence of this blog. You know the deal. You get into a relationship and the false sense confidence that comes with the honeymoon stage makes you think you have conquered love. You are proficient enough to confer advice and resolve every relational conflict that comes your way. Then after another argument where you think you’ve communicated effectively, but your partner just doesn’t get it, you start to wonder if you’re the toxic one. Turns out your “wisdom” means little when actually put to the test. So I re-write this post – several times. After an argument, after a helpful conversation with a loved one, after a book and even I dread to say, after a Love Is Blind episode. I have learnt and keep learning a lot about how to love and how to be loved.
I should explain that I am talking about romantic love. Back in post one of this baby, I talked about love and the new relationship I was getting into. That relationship has stood the test of a couple of years, nonsensical arguments and breaking point conversations. Don’t get me wrong, we also laughed a lot and made some sweet memories. If I was to compare my stages of love to the development of a human, I am an infant. Just about teething, but definitely not even walking yet. My knowing how to love and be loved is still very much in its in infancy. So, I guess call this part two of the first post. The words will be less assured and more questions than answers. If you find wisdom here, it was learnt in conversation with God and i’m probably still figuring it out.
Is it love or convenience?
Is it love, or is it convenience?” Gloria asked me that Thanksgiving Day after my father had stormed upstairs and Andre went to gather our coats. She explained that convenience, habit, comfort, obligation—these are all things that wear the same clothing as love sometimes.”
– Tayari Jones, An American Marriage
In the summer of 2019, I read a book that I remember to be perfect. I remember it was a sunny Saturday afternoon and I was laying on my back on my balcony as I finished the last pages of the book. When done, I sat for a while in silence. The book in question was An American Marriage by Tayari Jones. I have never forgotten the above question and remember a year into my relationship, I pondered its significance in my life. The person, I now called my partner brought laughter and kindness to the table, but was that enough? Or had I fallen in the trap that all humans have to wrestle with – the idea that companionship completes us and particularly for heterosexual woman, marriage should be a goal. I’m told I treat relationships like a corporate deal. I didn’t get it at first and definitely didn’t agree with it, but in helping me to resolve this query I also wrote a business case for the survival of the relationship. Love was not invited to the meeting because love is the clumsy and ill advising friend. They’ll lead you to fantastic disastrous places, but I don’t think it should have a swaying voice in the decision of choosing a partner. Business case created. But, love is never smooth because apparently people are complicated beings. Probably to the detriment of my relationship, I routinely return to the white board. To be honest, I struggle to be an all in person (commitment issues eh). I’m working on it and thankfully, I have more reasons to stay than leave. Is it love or convenience. For me, it is love. A love worth staying for and worth growing in. To misquote Nina Simone, love is being served so I stay at the table.
Do you know how you want to be loved?
“What if instead of starting from the assumption that human beings are thinking things, we started from the conviction that human being are first and foremost lovers?”
– James A.K. Smith, You Are What You Love,
At the start of all of this, I had lofty ideas what loving me should look like. Some might say not much has changed, but i’m trying to be more patient. You come with instructions of how you should be handled. You may not be aware of all the parameters of this and the instructions may change. Also, people need to be taught how to love you. Nobody is a mind reader so open your mouth and share your desires. This paragraph back when I first started typing this post talked about me learning on the job. How some of my ideas turned out to be not so important and how some new things were belatedly added – unannounced mirinda deliveries and an order from that Chinese takeaway that is too far away from me to order from. However, this time round, this question reminds me of the fundamentals which not shockingly the bible has already considered. In the bible, this guy called Paul wrote a list of things that love was. It is a surprisingly short list considering the weightiness of love. You know the one. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others…”. Ya, turns out that works for me – heavy on the patience. I do love the romantic gestures. I like the feeling of being spoilt, but I’m more concerned with how you treat me on my worst days. Cause guess who snaps and says mean things they can’t take back? Guess who would win the award for worst date planner even though I insist on being taken on the best dates. This isn’t unique to me. I am a flawed person loving another flawed person. We regularly withdraw form each other’s forgiveness bank and ask for more grace when showing up looks like a grunt and empty stare. I like the highs of love, but I’m more thankful and changed by the reflection of God in how someone loves me.
I’m I enough/ did I ask for too much?
“You once found my willingness to love you a beautiful and courageous thing. I still think it was.”
– Rebecca West, Letter to H.G. Wells
I know this seems a peculiar inclusion and maybe this is a limit in my language capabilities because i’m not sure how to phrase what I mean by this question. I shall try my best to explain. I appreciate, the question as it is phrased isn’t a healthy mindset to have when walking into a relationship. Before you even entertain anyone else, you should be at peace with who you are. Build a citadel of self worth and confidence before it is tested in the dating world. So what do I actually mean? For me there is a moment in dating where I came to ask myself whether I am enough for this person and then in the next breath I ask myself, i’m I asking too much or just asking it from the wrong person. I have struggled to disconnect these two concepts. Where I feel like I have met a brick wall, I wonder if the misalignment is due to two people asking for the right things from the wrong people or there is something in me that didn’t quite offer what was needed for this relationship. I tend to believe that even where we do our best to give each other instructions, some people are not meant to cater to us and we are not meant to be the person to cater to them in the way they require. I don’t believe in soul mates, but I still hold hope that there is someone out there who I can turn to at the tender age of 112 and crack jokes with while he gives me that mischievous wink that makes the toughness melt. Not everyone has the potential to be your person and you are not capable of being everyone’s person. I am very comfortable with accepting that I may not give everyone I date what they require in a partner (after picking my ego up from the floor) because I very quickly and easily do the same for sometimes arbitrary reasons.
That’s it. Of course love has taught me a lot more. But it can be summed up into everyday is a school day. I equally hate and love being its pupil, but I have also found arms to hold me that I am not letting go of in a hurry. I said at the beginning of this that some of my questions have been processed in conversation with God. I’m not sure I could do any of this without him. This life is surprising and only him do I trust with the joy and heartbreak that comes. So I may be savouring the taste of good love now, but nothing is promised. So the centre of my life and gravity remains the one who went to the cross for me and met me at well at the height of a sunny day. The promise of human love is fickle so I hope you find your grounding in something more lasting – whatever you may choose to call it/them.
THE WEEK THAT WAS:
Words of note –
A few words from Butler to the World by Oliver Bullough. I have really enjoyed this book and will be doing a review of it as part of #readinglist.
“They are sending so many SARs that the system is swamped. In 2019- 2020 financial institutions filed 546,976 reports which is more than one a minute, for every minute of the year and the vast majority of these come from banks. The reason for this is simple. Banks operate internationally, which means they use dollars and are desperately worried about getting into trouble with the US Department of Justice, which likes to impose fines with nine zeros at the end.”
Thankful for –
- A new bookshelf where I get to see all my books
2. “I am wrestling with God to find out what is in me” – Rightfully Mine – TD Jakes
after the wilderness 