How do I define history? It’s just one fucking thing after another. – Alan Bennett, The History Boys
One of my old managers used to love to run and exercise. I commented on this one day saying I would love to have her discipline. She snorted and said she had only started running again a few weeks before after months of not doing anything. She explained that even though she loves running and physical exercise they’ll just be one day where instead of putting on some running shoes, she will sit on the couch and find herself not moving for months on end (metaphorically not moving – not actually not moving from her couch). What she was trying to communicate to me was that they’ll just be months where she isn’t minded to exercise. For some reason this didn’t worry her and she seemed like she in no way chastised herself for these moments. She was comfortable to sometimes not be feeling it. To be fair she was a highly accomplished woman in other ways so from my perspective, she could just turn to the other amazing things she was doing if she needed to.
I am reminded of this interaction with her as I find myself on my metaphorical couch. For me lockdown has felt like a walk deeper into a funk that I had previously managed to keep away with a mixture of healthy routines and distractions. Lockdown took away the majority of these and now months later I realise that, unlike i’d hoped, I haven’t found beneficial substitutes. Instead of reaching for my metaphorical running shoes (and also often actual running shoes), I sat on my couch and gave myself away to the malaise. This feeling isn’t alien to me and in fact I named this blog after the wilderness as a belated declaration of the end of a series of tricky times. The inspiration of my blog name comes from the biblical story of the Israelites who wandered in a wilderness for 40 years. There was a distinct period in my life where I thought I had taken my last step in a wilderness and moved into the promised land. So the name is reminiscent of those jubilant times. The number of “wildernesses” I have found myself in since that day has made me realise the naivety in believing that a wilderness is a one time event. My most notable wilderness at its peak, was a mixture of the touches of God (or in colloquial terms miracles), a lot of growth pains and struggling not to let debilitating self doubt overwhelm me. My wildernesses were also some of my formative years. A lot of how I have come to see the world now is through the things I read (more of that later) and experienced in those years. Looking back on those times, I am proud of the things that I didn’t give up and even when I did give up on myself, there was always someone (God and people sent my God) who didn’t.
What I am going through doesn’t feel like a wilderness; just a funk. But I recently read Hannah Brencher’s blogpost about why we should periodically seek a form of wilderness. This gave me a new perspective on what I was going through. Hannah advocates for seeing the wilderness as your becoming rather than something to run from. Even if you’re not particularly religiously inclined, the idea of withdrawing to recalibrate has its merits.
In the wilderness, you are set apart. In the wilderness, you are pressed from all angles. In the wilderness, you face what’s really there and come to grips with it. In the wilderness, you figure out who or what you actually depend on when life caves in around you. – Hannah Brencher
So this post is an acknowledgement of the moment I am in and like my former manager I am trying to not chastise myself for the state of affairs. If this is another evolution of my becoming, I better strap in because learning and growth will follow if I allow it. If as I believe that even now there is a touch of God on my life, then to succumb isn’t to fail. In previous wildernesses, there was a lot of grand opportunities that I took advantage of, but most of the time it was just sticking to completing the little.
I am again trying to choose the good in the little: food that’s good for my soul with a splash of good for the body as well (pasta carbonara with some steamed brocolli), watching sad tv in an attempt to clear my tear ducts (Grey’s Anatomy) or my favourite films in order to laugh till my stomach hurts (Qu’est-ce qu’on a fait au Bon Dieu?). We still have to practice what Du Bois said to his daughter. Take yourself in hand, but be a little more gentle with yourself right now. These are the coping mechanisms I use because largely my behaviour pattern when I am in a funk is not destructive, but if your clouds take you to darker places, then please add more formal help to your coping structures.
SUGGESTED SURVIVAL TIPS FOR THE WILDERNESS:
Read – words have always been important in my life and more so in my trickier days. I read a lot of Audre Lorde and to this day treasure her words as wise council. I reached for Oscar Wilde’s plays when I needed laughter. There was a bittersweetness to reading his works knowing how his own life panned out, but Lady Windermere’s Fan just always hit the spot. Finally, and maybe most importantly, I read the bible (for myself). I found out that Christians were doing God a disservice. He’s actually a decent guy. Had some cracking writers on his roster. I jest, but some of my favourite words (and most important prayers) are in the bible.
Commune (with your people) – the lovely award in the picture above was given to me by one of my oldest friends. She made it when we were about 12 years old, but only gave it to me last year when she found it amongst her possessions. Unbeknownst to her, when she gave it to me I was going through a tougher period in my professional life which had me questioning the fabric of who I was. This award served as a reminder of who God made me to be. It didn’t fix the situation I was going through, but in a moment where I really questioned if I deserved what was happening to me, it was a welcomed sign of hope. I share this story to say you have people (or even if just one person) who want to be in your life. Allow them to be there and see the healing that comes with this. It should be a reciprocal relationship, but the likelihood is you feel as if you’re running on empty right now so let others pour back into you.
Be resilient – one of the ways one of my people handles me when I am in these moments is through unwavering tough love. It is a hard pill to swallow and often, I just want to be molly coddled. No such luck. She lets me cry and break in that moment, but the next morning she expects me to get up, pull myself together and keep pushing. To clarify, I have the space to grieve but I do so knowing I am expected to keep going. Even when I most felt like I did not want to or was not able to, the expectation remained. She often says it’s because unlike me, she has faith in what I am capable of and who I could become. You may find that you don’t have such a person. So, you have to be that person for yourself. Like Marco Pierre White says, you have to be the one to pick yourself off the floor. This is where grit and resilience kicks in. Even when you really don’t feel like, do the little and keep going. Like I said I am most proud of myself now for when I did not give up. Grieve, but always have the ability to get back up when the world knocks you down.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. – Psalms 73:25-26
after the wilderness 