Silence becomes a woman. Every woman i’ve ever known was brought up on that saying. – Pat Barker, The Silence of the Girls
This post will be a maze of all that led me to open my laptop and tap these words. First I was nostalgic for the book The Silence of the Girls. I read it last summer and found myself reaching the last pages overwhelmed in the ways that only a good piece of literature can leave you feeling. It’s a retelling of The Iliad (the face that launched a thousand ships) from the perspective of Briseis. It is a beautiful account giving voice to the women captured, enslaved and made into the possessions of their captors. A tale also exploring the convergence of love and hate.
The current slowing down of life has made me do something I haven’t done in years. I started watching Grey’s Anatomy again. I just chose a season then episode and filled in the gaps of what I’d missed. I surprised myself. I have had many moments in the last few years to seek out a show like Grey’s, but I didn’t. It’s the kind of show you reach out for to clear your tear ducts and come lockdown, it’s been a comfort blanket.
I came across a tweet that celebrated the character Cristina Yang and the phenomenal fictional woman she is (the best character in Grey’s in my opinion). Even when watching the show as a teenager, I admired her. She was funny, smart and loved hard. I respected and, in some aspects, aspired to be her (yes she had her issues, but who doesn’t?). I am writing this at 3am on a Tuesday. I have work in a few hours and it’s busy. But I just finished watching a couple of episodes of Yang’s best moments. I have been ruminating on being a woman recently. I am in my “late” twenties and this adulting thing doesn’t seem to be letting up. I keep wondering what kind of person I am becoming. Am I something I am proud of? Am I the woman I hoped I would become?
Let me fill in some blanks. A recent conversation made me realise that I have never been someone who dreamt about their wedding day (it always seemed stressful to me and why would anyone put themselves through that). Before I found Jesus, the plan was if I found somebody I wouldn’t mind sharing my life with, I would do an Oprah. No last names would be changed, no big ceremony, but still committed. Marriage and married life wasn’t an aspiration I placed great importance on. I think I can live with not sharing my life with someone. If I am a 50 year old singleton, happy and surrounded by those I love (including many chubby nieces and nephews) that sounds like a sweet deal.
See my biggest fear has always been losing myself in love. History is littered with stories of women sacrificing and being pushed to the shadows all in the name of love (read The Silence of Girls for a fictional excavation of these stories). I believe that women have the most to lose in heterosexual partnerships. Society has created the perfect conditions for men to walk away or be part-time members of their families. While (though not in all cases) the women are left with babies in hand, bills and broken hearts. I am not in any way dismissing the goodness in sacrifice. More and more I am realising love is a sacrifice (look at Jesus), but I (maybe incorrectly) have seen it as a form of weakness for women to succumb in such a way. I did not want to be the kind of woman who silently compromises and complies leaving a brave and fearless version of herself behind. I didn’t want to cower as a result of love and I vowed never to lose my head because a man decided he’ll stick around.
Do you like being the big spoon or the little spoon? I’m not a spoon. I’m a knife and I’m going to stab you in the eyeballs. – Cristina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy
I know the women I am so harsh on never set out to choose compromise and self sacrifice. When you start the journey of love, you have all the best intentions of keeping the best of you, but love changes you. Love should change you for the better (see Jesus again)). So yes, there is an element of fear in my approach (commitment phobe?), but then I also go back to Yang. Loving someone didn’t lead her to losing herself and she reminded others that they (not their male partners) are the sun. I am dipping my toes into this commitment thing and grappling with some interesting internal conversations. I am asking myself what kind woman and partner I want to be and in part reconsidering some of the promises a younger me made. I said I would not be a woman built on a man’s compliments. I said my career would not be sacrificed for love. Now my career is a little more settled and I am (theoretically) climbing the ladder. I have to confess though, I find myself getting butterflies when he compliments me, but the work thing still remains unchanged.
I may one day find myself walking down an aisle and revelling in motherhood. Or, I may be 50, single and smothering my many nephews and nieces with all my love. Who knows? The thing I will say is, Yang loved her people (hard) so let me start with that and see where it goes.
THE WEEK THAT WAS:
Words of note –
never
trust anyone
who says
they do not see color.
this means
to them,
you are invisible.
– Nayyirah Waheed
Thankful for –
- Work – once upon time what I do was just a prayer
- Kagwe Mungai ft. Xenia Manasseh – Blame Game
- Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age – Sherry Turkle
after the wilderness 