We play with things You wanted us to treat as sacred. We run from things You wanted us to cling to. We make companions of those You told us never to embrace. We clutch in our hands what You wanted us to throw away. We throw away what You wanted us to hold fast to. We dream of things that make life a nightmare. – Ravi Zacharias, Sense and Sensuality: Jesus Talks to Oscar Wilde on the Pursuit of Pleasure
I would prefer to write this when I’ve met all my goals and my discipline has started paying off, but that would be disingenuous and we are not to despise small beginnings. The week that was taught me a lot about delayed gratification namely, how I was failing at it. I think like many people, my social media consumption and online shopping has exponentially increased with lockdown. What else is there to do? I don’t think I have many vices, but there is one glaring exception – Twitter (such a millennial problem). Online shopping and specifically fast fashion is a new habit which I don’t practice everyday but it has the potential to become a fully fledged vice. I should say, I define a vice to be something I struggle to give up because I use it as a form of escapism.
Anyway, the week that was found me on Twitter way too often when I should have been asleep (new found insomnia anyone?) or really could have been doing something if, not productive at least more relaxing. I enjoy Twitter for the banter and because I always leave having learnt something new. How I used twitter last week was not for comedic relief or as an educational tool. I went down a rabbit hole of cute baby video threads and questionable relationship advice (complete this sentence, all women/ men are…). I have many times declared I am giving up social media then somehow end up on Twitter. My brain is cognisant of my addiction, but it conveniently forgets to remember that Twitter is a social media platform.
With online shopping, I find myself trying to create an ideal version of myself (probably fed too much on unhealthy marketing campaigns). But regardless of what the capitalist manifesto says, more doesn’t necessarily mean happier. Instead, a curated closet is a better used wardrobe. I write this as a pair of Converse are sat in one of my online shopping baskets and thirty minutes after completing two online purchases. I am a minute by minute work in progress. My shopping habits are sporadic. I will go months without making a purchase then in the space of a week, I will for no rational reason burn through my monthly budget. None of my chaotic purchases will be anything in my shopping list or luxuries I have been holding out for. I’ll just have more (maybe pretty) stuff which I don’t really need.
This post and what made me pause last week isn’t just about Twitter or my more frequent perusal of online shopping columns. It’s the indiscipline in these habits. After most online splurges, I find myself disappointed. I really don’t like the kind of erratic behaviour I exhibit in my scattered dips into fast fashion particularly, when it has the ability to impact my financial goals. When I go on my shopping sprees, my allocated monthly shopping budget is suddenly just guidance and not a hard rule. Whilst too much time on Twitter brings out the comparison monster and my thoughts become the white noise of other people’s tweets. I could easily speak of other areas in my life. Why don’t I wake up earlier when I know it leads to a more productive day? Why do I have an alphabetically organised list of reasons of why I don’t regular exercise?
To recognise this is to appreciate something about the mechanics of temptation; not all sins are decisions. Because we tend to be intellectualists who assume that we are thinking things, we construe temptation and sin accordingly; we think temptation is an intellectual reality, where some idea is presented to us that we then think about and make a conscious choice to pursue (or not). But once you realise that we are not just thinking things but creatures of habit, you’ll then realise that temptation isn’t just about bad ideas or wrong decisions; it is often a factor of de-formation and wrongly ordered habits. – James K. A Smith
So what’s the solution? I always go back to W.E.B Du Bois’ advice to his daughter whenever I am struggling to do the hard and holy things (who knew it was actually hard?!). “Take yourself in hand and master yourself. Make yourself do unpleasant things, so as to gain the upper hand of your soul”. I practice delayed gratification because it always yields good results. When my fingers are tempted to reach for my favourite vices, I try and find alternative things to do (currently a game of scrabble with a colleague). On weekends when I have more free time, I am consciously leaving my phone in my bedroom and spending time away from screens. On more and more evenings, my feet are finding some running shoes and hitting the tarmac. I am a work in progress (I will be buying those Converses), but I am not out to chastise myself out of these habits. I would like this to be more than just a temporary and fragile behaviour change. I want a realignment of my tastes and desires and if I change what occupies my thoughts and time hopefully my bank statements and browsing history will follow.
What about you? What vices are sometimes out of control gremlins?
THE WEEK THAT WAS:
Words of note –
Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends or partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? And why seek out the tried and true, instead of experiences that will stretch you? The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives. – Carol S. Dweck
Thankful for –
- Yoga at dusk
- Maverick Music – Promises
- Light by Leslie Nneka Arimah and generally AFREADA’s short story thread
after the wilderness 