to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart – courage

and when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard nor welcomed but when we are silent we are still afraid. So it is better to speak remembering we were never meant to survive.- Audre Lorde

There is another version of this week’s article floating in my drafts, but it didn’t feel like an honest reflection so I didn’t finish it. I am trying to confront and tell the ugly sides of my story in these posts. Something felt off kilt and then I had a conversation with one of my sisters and this fell on to my lap. My sister asked me about shrinking yourself for another’s comfort and where the balance is. We spoke about this balance in our professional and personal lives. Gender and race featured in the conversation and in the end we concluded that its walking on a tightrope rather than a perfect science.

Whenever I reflect on self-silencing, I always go back to one of my favourite authors Audre Lorde. She has provided me with many mantras for my 20s and she speaks on silence like she has read the contents of my journal. I would recommend everything of hers, but the poem A Litany for Survival and the essay The Transformation Silence into Language and Action have been invaluable counsel. Lorde advises that staying silent is to your detriment and though I often (very often) don’t practice this, I believe this to be true. In protecting the listener, dismissing your voice or suffocating your truth, you betray yourself. In not allowing yourself to explore and express your feelings, you sacrifice your right to speak and your need to speak. If someone constantly ignores you, don’t you eventually stop trying to communicate with them. I think that’s what happens to our inner voice when you constantly silence it or, in my case, you stop recognising your authentic voice until one day the chorus of the community is your guiding voice. I don’t think your inner voice is ever completely silenced, but you have to retrain yourself to recognise it and respect it enough to follow it. I think my people pleasing ways feeds my self-silencing. I am often considering how to make the other person comfortable before asking myself what do I need and want. This is isn’t to say that I am not often selfish, but there are moments in my life I can distinguish where I chose to ignore internal protestations (to my own detriment) and went with what others wanted of me and out me. But, we are here and trying to put into practice Lorde’s words.

Hopefully, if you take heed of Lorde’s words there is a turning point in your life. It can look like the opposite of progress, because like everything else it gets ugly before it gets pretty. You will find it uncomfortable to assert your own voice and added to this, you will encounter friction in your relationships when you do follow through on self-expression. A change of habit takes time and learning to not self silence is a form of rewiring so get ready for the growth pains and for questioning is this actually my internal voice or just me being selfish/self indulgent (this is even trickier I think when religion comes into play particularly, in Judaeo-Christian religion where you should value your neighbour above yourself). Learning to listen to your voice isn’t something you announce to the world (or social media) like a commitment to losing weight or a new resolution (fair game if you make such an announcement, but I am reluctant to since its already a messy process which takes long, with incremental changes or no noticeable results for a long time). It’s a long slog and if you don’t get to a point where you question if it is even worth it, you are not doing it right.

I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.- Audre Lorde

The second fun part is the impact this has on your relationships. If you have taught people to relate with you in a certain way, you will inadvertently find raised eyebrows and resistance when you suddenly decide to change. You fight more with the people you love because you will make mistakes as you learn yourself – you are not suddenly omniscient and just because you choose to listen to your internal voice does not mean that you suddenly get everything right. You will hurt the people you love and the outcome of your decisions may sometimes not be that great. I say this cautiously because we should be seeking out wise counsel (better an informed decision and all that), but sometimes I think it’s better to stand by a decision where it was one which you made yourself. You can’t blame anyone else, but your shoulders are then broad enough to carry your own mistakes. Also in that moment remember Maya Angelou’s words; when you know better, do better..

Another reason you will face difficulties in your relationships, is because hopefully the outcome is that you do become a different and better version of yourself. Some relationships won’t be built for this version and that’s fine. I caveat this by saying, please don’t be quick to cut out people because they don’t work with the person you are becoming (unless it is an unhealthy relationship). You are still a changing being. You need to offer grace to those around you to adjust with you in the same way (I hope) they would offer you enough forgiveness for the missteps you will make on the journey to finding yourself.

I appreciate self expression in personal relationship. In my professional life, it gets a little tricky. I feel disappointed in myself and I am sure they are feminist ancestors rolling in their graves at what I am about to say, but I am ok with some self-silencing and self preservation in my professional life. I choose my battles carefully. If it doesn’t significantly impact my mental health or compromise my principals, I largely let it go. I have chosen to navigate my professional career like this, but I also admire those who challenge the status quo at every turn. As the saying goes, well behaved women rarely make history. When I set my mind to entering the corporate world, I was aware of the stereotypes placed on women and particularly women of colour. Being conscious of these, I set myself some rules of what I would/ wouldn’t allow myself to do which, are a form of self silencing and sanitisation of my personality. The corporate world is still a harsh place for women and women of colour. I don’t think we are at the point where we can be forgiven for the same mistakes our male counterparts get away with and my self silencing is my attempt of protecting from this. Only time will tell if I made the right decision or if Lorde’s words were also for this arena…