There is a Haitian saying which might upset the aesthetic images of most women. Nou led, Nou la, it says. We are ugly, but we are here. Like the modesty that is somewhat common in Haitian culture, this saying makes a deeper claim for poor Haitian women than maintaining beauty, be it skin deep or otherwise. For most of us, what is worth celebrating is the fact that we are here, that we against all the odds exist. – Edwidge Danticat
I know when my anxiety is in full effect. I overthink and convince myself the world and everyone in it hates me. Last week was a little like this. A negative narrative had hold of me and wouldn’t let go. Anxiety tells you that your boss doesn’t like you, there is an expiry date on your friendships because you’re not interesting enough to make anyone want to stay or maybe, its you’re not clever enough – other people would have already got X. So anxiety makes you run harder and chase more sometimes, without even reflecting on whether those are things you should be pursuing or even care enough about to go after. Until one day the camel’s back breaks and you have become a stranger to yourself.
For me the penny dropped this time last year. My fast pace, which means I am too busy to deal with my emotional needs, caught up with me. I knew the moment was coming and the catalyst to my awakening was a career change. I had for a long time neglected the soul stuff – I was full of the wrong things and I was not dealing with it. Eventually, I found the courage and words to tell some friends (my family knew and I am convinced if I didn’t tell them, God would), but that was months after I tried to stuff my feelings and just keep muddling through. See that’s another lie of anxiety; it tells you that you’re weak for not having your shit together or being able to have your shit together. So you bully yourself into pretending everything is fine and sometimes you get so good at this that everyone is convinced. I am guilty of this. My escapism of choice is busyness and the career I have chosen feeds perfectly into that. A cocktail of late hours and demanding work are always on offer. But nobody wants to live like this. Anxiety is a prison you are begging to escape. My life has since settled and I have more blessings than worries right now. But the high of that can’t distract me. Somewhere in the events of last year I recognised that I had a responsibility to myself and needed to start taking it seriously.
We use coffee and fast-speak and sugar and staying back at work longer. We grind harder. Try harder. Think harder. We should be able to work our way through this. We think this is what will fire us up out of our funk and get us back on our game. It’s a self-perpetuating pain – we use anxiety to fight our anxiety. – Sarah Wilson, First We Make The Beast Beautiful
Taking responsibility is easier said than done. I know what I need to do to stay balanced, but yet find reasons not to do it. Taking responsibility involves hard work – and who actually enjoys that stuff? It involves knowing my triggers and taking preventive steps. Whenever I feel overwhelmed I ask myself what am I full of. I have come to recognise that I am what I put into myself and what I put into myself eventually manifests in my thinking and habits. When I am knee-deep in anxiety, sometimes an external factor is the cause, but sometimes (like last week) it is because I haven’t been practicing good habits. Last week it was too much social media (enter the comparison monster), lack of exercise and withdrawing from those closest to me.
With the waves anxiety comes in, it stops being about returning to “normal” lest it become perfectionist. It becomes “living with a wing in place of an arm” (this antidote is used by Ann Cvetkovich to describe her journey with depression). I really wish it was a case of taking medicine and sleeping it off like when you have a headache. You wake up one morning ok and you wake up another morning with a heavy feeling in your chest. So you learn what to do when that happens. For me, I know that a twenty minute walk does wonders, exercise is a friend and picking up when friends call is always a good idea/ calling certain people also leads to healing laughter. I don’t place the responsibility of managing myself on others, but pulling away from those I love only feeds my anxieties.
The world is a little upside down right now and normal seems to have left the room. This time may be a trigger. We may encounter some of our demons as our usual distractions aren’t available. We may find other distractions for the gap, but I hope you instead take the time to sit with yourself and ask yourself some hard but needed questions. This time isn’t a productivity competition (and in fact should be a time where materialistic endeavours are muted), but maybe it should be a chance for us to recalibrate.
If you find yourself in the middle of a fogginess, I hope you find words to reach out and arms to hold you. I hope you’re offered forgiveness from those closest to you. What I know of this beast is that it makes an enemy in you and then it makes an enemy of you to others. In those moments you’re gonna need extra loving cause you turn shitty before you turn back to anything good. Please note loving can come in the form of some hard to swallow truths as well. I hope you find the things that help. Paint, journal, start at a blog (again), read, love (but don’t make a partner your new addiction).
So, what are you full of? How are you choosing to heal?
THE WEEK THAT WAS:
Words of note –
Lots of people saying we should use this “free time” to make ourselves “better.” I’m not quite sure what that means or if that’s healthy. I feel like it’s tied into capitalist-productivity measures of time, that we have to show something. Maybe this time is for healing? Loving? – JJ Bola
You’re meant to do hard and holy things because they are the next thing — to get to the best thing. – Ann Voskamp
Thankful for –
1. midnight, a blank canvas, some paint and brushes
2. Uncle M – thank you for the books, laughter and road trips
3. a bank holiday weekend
after the wilderness 